o wretched existence

Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine Your light and
Let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King
Jesus

sigh. i am a good person. why is my life like that? as i look at the state of my life now, it kinda scares me. i really really really hate my life. and it's really causing me to do things i did not imagine myself to do just a week ago. on tuesday night, i was at the height of depression, which corresponded to the lowest point of my life (or so i thought), so i drove home (very responsibly), and then took a cab to 2am for a drink. i finished a whole bottle of wine. for the first time in my life, i got drunk (maybe or maybe not but i was really high). and that's when i found out why pple use alcohol when they're upset. it's nice. cos it was wine. u get high but u dont feel that terrible. and u sleep so well thereafter. but well, u become very honest with yourself. and with my life so screwed up, being honest was a terrible idea.

i really cannot study in nus. i cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot study here. more than anything else, it's personal. i dont like it and i cannot accept that i'm studying here. it's killing me. it depresses me so much.

i've been struggling to stay afloat. i dont know how long i can hold out. and when i can't hold out, i really don't know what would happen. cos no matter what, i always put out a good front. i always make things look good. i hardly ever let my guard down. i'm always all smiles. and problem gets resolved, i'm still smiling. but i dont know how long i can hold out the battle inside me and the smile outside. oh gosh. arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.