pain and anguish

World, hold on
Instead of messing with our future, open up inside
World, hold on
Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky

that was one of the songs at OM last night which caused the spaniards to go nuts. i had such a great time. OM may be a small club. but with that group of spaniards, germans, danish, czechs, indians etc, it was so fun. for the first time in my life, i felt accepted. for these two months, i have been able to be myself - for the first time in my whole life. these europeans didn't have to, but they embraced me (in some cases, literally! hahaha) into their cosy clique.

i'm on the bus to new york now. i shd be feeling excited over returning to the big apple. but all i feel is pain and anguish. because i know it's the first leg of my journey home. i'm beyond depressed. leaving harvard was just terrible. the whole week, i knew the day of farewell would come. but it didn't make it any easier. it's not just farewell to the pple. it's farewell to the place. over here, i didnt have to try so hard to impress. i was just myself. and the real me feels loved here. i can prove myself to myself. and i have.

over here, i can state my opinion without fear of repercussions. we can have 4 pple, with 4 different opinions, and still having friendly discussions. 4 guys in my flat. 2 support obama, 1 supports mccain, i support neither but if i were to choose i'd pick obama, and we could talk about it without anyone getting offended. i hate that obama is clueless! but others like it. say he's frank about him not knowing stuff. and we consider each other's perspective.

in singapore, once u state a dissenting case, their face changes. darian comes the closest to acceptance and interlocutor i guess. but he we never talk serious intellectual stuff! hahahaha. even yujie cannot hold talks with me when he differs in opinion. yes there's xiu, jo and charm, but well, they went or are going overseas! bleah. it's a singaporean culture. this supreme intolerance of anything opinion that is not identical to yours. havent we seen pple bankrupted, jailed and exiled for speaking out differently? to mature as a society, we need to learn how to be more accepting.

i really don't want to go home. it will be the end of my american dream. going back to a lousy university after i've studied in the world's finest. sighs. bleah. in my opinion, there are only three universally recognized names when it comes to education. harvard, cambridge and oxford. i will miss harvard so so so much.

i already miss walking down garden street, looking onto the quad field, running at cambridge common, annenberg hall (not so much the food but the hall), walking around the shops at harvard square, going supermarket shopping at shaw's at porter square. :"(

i am so depressed. who inspired my brother to go overseas to study? me. my brother is now applying to cambridge. i hope he gets in!! but applications like these are always a lottery. u never know. and who made the big mistake of not going overseas himself? me. i ruined my life.