it's not to get out of singapore. i like it a fair bit.
but i need to get out of nus. that is the one thing on my mind. i really really really really really really really really need to get out of nus. i'm dying slowly in the school. being killed bit by bit. i'm really surprised by my blog readership now. but anw, dear readers, i'm defining success and failure right now. if in 2010 i graduate with an nus degree, i'd consider myself a failure. even if i'm all smiles, know that inside of me, i am condemning myself.
i need an exit strategy. which i do not have at the moment.
27 august last year at 2am. i decided not to go to the lse. on hindsight, that was the one decision that changed my life for the worse. i made stupid decisions but never one that had such far reaching negative effects on my life. i can recall the thoughts running through my head, the table that yujie and i were at, the final moments before i finally decided that i would give staying in singapore a shot. everything is etched so clearly. the optimism and hope that was in me, the faith that i had in God and in pple around me. i remember every detail. so many times i have wondered how all those thoughts culminated in my decision. and up till now i have not been able to give myself an answer. sigh. i am an idiot.
i still remember one of my good friends use to tell me in a taunting manner, that i may be worse off overseas because i'm not emotionally strong enough to be by myself overseas. and i used to wonder if that was true. that same friend used to tell me, i'll probably get cut off from the city harvest because i would not have the discipline to catch online services and stuff. and i used to wonder if that was true. they're not true. these two months have shown me that i am stronger than others give me credit for, and stronger than i give myself credit for. these two months...as long as i had internet access, i would catch live webcast of services. it was only when i had no access that i missed service.
going overseas to study has always been my dream. for so many years i harbored that dream. on 27 august last year, i gave it up. but the dream did not die. it lives on. and i will do everything i can to see that it will come to pass. everything. that is a my solemn promise to myself.
even if it means missing some of my friends' weddings, some of my friends' children being born, some of the most exciting events in chc and in singapore, i will still go for it.
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2 comments:
i've always wanted to go overseas for an education but my parents couldnt afford it and i kinda realised i resent them abit because they promised that i could go overseas.
so now, i've decided. by hook or by crook, i will go overseas to do my Masters. whether i have to take a loan or not.
so i believe you can do it.
i think church and education is a seperate thing as much as attending church and having a r/s with God. -shrugs-
ok im rambling on with no point in mind. haha.
- samantha esther
sighs.
firstly, do count the cost. it could be really forbidding. but the good news is overseas universities do have grants and stuff. :-D
secondly, another enlightened being! hahaha. i believe u can do it too. as long as u want it, u can make it happen! :)
yes, i have come to the realization that our relationship with God does not depend on where we are really. it depends on how much we want it.
thanks sam. and jiayou!!
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