i don't want to go home

it's a very unsettling feeling, knowing that i have to move soon. 15 more working days and that's it for dulwich (unless my chairman really means his word that he won't let me go back until the web site i'm working on is launched! hahaha). i then have some time in shanghai to enjoy myself. and then i need to go back to beijing and head back to singapore. a big part of me does not want to go back.

i really don't know if i can cope. 2009 has been a very good year for me. i realised that i haven't been depressed all year long. sad, yes. upset, probably. disappointed, at times. but never the same emotional pits of 2007 and 2008. i think i know why. i'm not afraid of challenges. in fact, at times, a masochistic part of me likes challenges. but what i cannot cope with is seemingly insurmountable challenges. which is what i felt in 2007 and 2008. i felt that a big mistake caused me to lose what seemed to be everything. 2007 was the worst. 2008 i tried to do something about it. i succeeded for a while but then fell again. 2009 has been good. i thank God that i have been able to pick the pieces up and move on. although i guess i will never be able to fully make up for what it lost, i've managed to work around it. through it all, i realised that the most important thing that i possessed that took me through and helped me to emerge from the pits was really, an undying belief in myself. no matter how bad the circumstances were, or how badly i failed (i literally failed in school), i refused to bow to conventional thought that i couldn't succeed. i guess that is the most important thing. that's why the bible warns against having no root in yourself.

the good thing about going back to singapore is that my friends and family are in singapore. my church is in singapore! but then i really don't think singapore can offer me much more than that. sigh. shanghai is to be honest, not that great. it's really boring on the weekends. apart from aven, i don't really have friends here. but shanghai is not singapore. and that's almost good enough. i enjoy my work, i find fulfillment in it. fulfillment is something that has always eluded me when i was in singapore. i always felt so restricted, so cooped up in singapore. in the singapore education system.

to be honest, singapore offers an excellent primary and secondary school education. our math and sciences are not inferior to the chinese, japanese or koreans (we certainly trump the westerners), and we offer something that is very unique and important - bilingualism in english and mandarin (for the chinese in singapore at least). that is something that is vital in helping singapore keep a competitive edge over other countries. when i have my own children, i will certainly school them in singapore during their early years.

in jc, i was so fortunate to be in the rjc humanities programme. it expanded my horizons and made learning enjoyable. and more than that, many of my good friends were made in rjc. rj was a really good experience. and rj students come out believing in themselves, strong, unyielding to challenges. when i look at my peers, i feel happy for everyone (and a bit jealous at times...haha). i would actually think that my two years in rjc prepared me well for the doldrums of 2007 and 2008.

but once you get to university, singapore's system...let me put it in a politically correct way...cannot meet the needs of every student. it is good that the government is trying to make university education widely available. but in that case, you cannot cater to the needs of everyone. and so, the university becomes a factory for government requirements. if government officials want to challenge me on this, well, i've been studying in nus, where did they study?

well, no point feeling so down. it's only the beginning of august. i have more than a month to enjoy life outside singapore before returning. anw, hopefully working in singapore from sept to next jan would prove to be a good experience!! i'm sure it will be! =)