i will sing

Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today.
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.

I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing.

i'm almost at a complete loss. i'm feeling sad, empty, drained, jaded, all at the same time. i don't know how to go on living such a life. sighs. nothing seems to be going right. i'm just dragging myself on day by day. i wanted a getaway today. but i didnt have anyone to get away with. i really need some time out of singapore to just be free. i dont know how. so lost right now.

looked at derrick and ruxin's proposal video. i was so happy for them. but at the same time, i felt a strong tinge of sadness and emptiness. everyone needs love. honestly i'm not looking for a girlfriend right now. but i want friends. and i dont have friends like i had in the past. during my jc days, i could rely on xiu, jo, charm to be there whenever i needed them. we saw one another every single day, we studied together a lot, spent our lives together. those were the days that i could always walk into the canteen and find someone there to talk to. sigh. even in army i had friends like kenny, rach, veron who'd be there every single day. we shared our problems and helped each other out. before darian left, he was really the most amazing friend. we'd talk so much on the phone. i know his life through and through. he knows mine inside out. from our sec sch days, to jc, to army, right through to now. sigh.

u watch friends, u watch desperate housewives. everyone has friends they can always count on to be there. that's how they get by the toughest times. everyone has friends they see every day all the time. that's how they conquer the mundane nature of life. i know he's trying. but well. he is a person who needs space. i'm a person who needs friends. then how...sigh. he is my closest friend, and as it stands, only friend in singapore right now. but...i dunno. i really dont. it sometimes seems like he doesnt know me at all. i can read him like a book but he seems to not know me at all. his words cut me so deep at times. friendship is an irrational thing. sometimes u can give some pple so much, and get so little back. sometimes u dont need to give so much, but the returns u get are so high.

my studies, my ministry. all in a mess. i dont know how to face my classmates. i dont know how to run my ministry. god seems so far away from me. i seem to have left him in america. i was so close to him then. now, everytime i need to prepare for cg, i need to go through such intense time of praying and seeking god before i feel any tinge of his presence, before i'm able to pen any sermon. when i was in america, i wrote sermons so easily, i prayed so easily, i worshipped so constantly. i wish u'd just appear real god. please appear real. i know u are real. but of late, it has been my mouth telling my heart, and not coming out of my heart itself. lord help me.

i spend all my nights crying. i dont know why i'm so emo. it's pathetic. i know that if i were in a stronger state of mind, i would despise people in my state. i'm so pathetic.

god, please help me, as i drag my feet and pull myself through. please help me. please please please.

i'm glad the readership of this blog is currently highly censored. hahahahaha. it's like starting all over again. back then in 2004, when i censored everything. to u, one of my sanctioned readers. i really dont know what "chaos" u're going through right now. but hang in there. and if u need anyone to hear u out, to help u with anything...i'm here for u all right. :)