focus on the giving?

one of my respected church leaders once told me, "focus on the giving, not on the reaping." it made a lot of sense to me. and i gave and gave and gave. and i still give and give and give. and of cos i dont focus on the reaping. cos i really havent reaped much. sigh. it's really quite tragic my life. i just spent my whole day today doing stuff for others. counselling, praying, doing proposals.i'm in a church committee of 16, and there is only one person who is actually working...no prize for guessing who. my cell group...i did literally everything for my cell group meeting just yesterday. also giving my time and my life to other cell groups. and i havent reaped.

honestly. i have needs too. but noone cares. i used to have friends outside church. but now they've all gone overseas. and the sad thing is, i only have church friends now. i used to have outside friends to balance me out. now i just feel very alone. very squeezed. very hard pressed. my friend is down...i need to support him. so i suppress my own needs for his. why am i always like that? why why why. i guess i do have one person who actually bothers la. good old seb. ahwells. grateful that there's at least one person. i guess there're pple who only have cats to comfort them. oh gawd...some life. but still...i hate my life at the moment. i dont really think i have much more capacity to support others. i am not an endless reservoir full of reserve for others to consume. i am finite. and i am dying. slowly but surely, i'm crumbling. i wonder how long more i can last. hopefully till the end of the year. but i may not. it may be a matter of weeks or even just days before i completely die. sigh.

btw, what happened to that church leader? he left our church for another. pity. :(