F

"carpe diem! the wordsmith is a self-loving, fun-seeking, witty, intelligent, good-looking, ambitious young chap energized by the vigor of youth and zeal for life. entrepreneur, activist, educator, student, journalist."

this was how i saw myself. now i just ask, "really?"

it's christmas eve. soon to be christmas. i'm sitting alone - in school of all places. tears in my eyes, regret on my mind.

as i look back at 2008, i hardly remember being happy. for me, this is the year with the most tears ever. i keep asking myself, pondering. why? how? i'm not a person who is ever half-hearted about anything. i gave 2008 my all, my everything, my best. but everything that came back to me. rejection after rejection, failure after failure, disappointment after disappointment. i am a fighter, a winner. but this year, life (and people) have taken the fight out of me. i feel like a complete loser.

when was the last time i got F for anything? never. never got F. when was the last time i failed anything? physics and bio - sec 3. i bounced back. i got A2 for both for Os. now, i have Fs. F for fail, F for flop, F for fiasco, F for fruitless. i am deflated. academia is my field. i triumph at academia. i score As in academia. now i have Fs. i am on the verge of scolding an F word.

2004, 2005, 2006 and 2008. 4 rejections. it didn't surprise me this time. what jolted me was all the other rejections. rejected by places i have been accepted into before. it just took the air of confidence out of me.

2008 was a year i saw my friends all leave for overseas. i completely sank into depression. my friends are all doing well overseas. america, spain, england. as i look at my unaccomplished life against a backdrop of their successes, my heart is filled with joy and admiration, but sadness too.

friendships this year - one bright spark in sebastian, a new friend whom i can count on. thanks seb, i appreciate everything that u've done for me. but well, otherwise, a big flop too. all the good friends overseas, not making new friends.

what have i done wrong? seriously, what have i done wrong? have i not given my life to others? helped others? loved others? and yet, all that is returned to me is ingratitude. i solve problems for others. others become my problems.

my heart cries. 2008. it has given me beautiful memories of two months in america. beautiful beautiful memories. but the reality of my life at the moment. it really makes me feel that my existence is wretched.

merry christmas.